i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I love having hate sex.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
