and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
