i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
