it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
