Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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