i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
