So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
