I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
