from now on my penis is your penis
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
