did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
