bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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