bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
