if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
