i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
