im about as happy as oj after his trial
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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