I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
