I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
