do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
