I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
They are going to name an STD after you.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
