Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
3pm strippers are depressing
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
