her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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