My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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