I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
