paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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