He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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