If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
