Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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