she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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