If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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