i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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