He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You've changed since you got that strap on
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
