Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
