My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
