I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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