Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
