my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
