I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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