you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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