Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
