I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
