I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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