checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
