there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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