sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
