I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize