This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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