Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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