I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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