I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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