I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
