Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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