First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
