I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
