Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
