No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
