apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize