I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
