Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
